Fennel Pollen Tagliatelle

Forgive the rather long preamble… please.

It has been longer than I care to admit since I put down words onto any type of paper or device to record my thoughts and processes. I haven’t stepped away from cooking during that time, I have in fact cooked a LOT (and took lots of photos of said dishes and posted them on Instrgram), but actually recording words… well, that has been something that I have neglected. Perhaps as much as I can say I have neglected myself.

Sometimes, life rears up in all its ugly reality (I won’t go into the list at this time if you don’t mind) and can have a much altering effect on how things go, or how we would like them to go. However, it being life, we have to face it - deal with it - and hopefully come out the other side. Life is rarely a straight path. We have to adapt and work out the trail according to what has been put in front of us. I am currently trying to get my bearings and get back to the person I know that I am.

Today is a rather apt day for this bit of reflection (forgive me if it gets posted a little later - my internet is being an asshole). It’s the second anniversary of Tony Bourdain’s death, and the loss of his voice still pains me more than I care to think about. Oddly enough, about a month or a month an a half ago I had an incredibly vivid dream that had Tony in it. After I woke up, I was left with the words ‘Don’t forget who you are.’ so strongly in my mind that I have been writing it in sharpy on the inside of my left forearm. I stood in the shower that morning and felt those words shake me to my core.

I am not, and have not been living up to who I know myself to be. He reminded me - DON”T FORGET WHO YOU ARE.

Who am I? Who am I really?

I am a cook.

I am a traveler.

I am a writer.

I am an artist.

All of the other bullshit that I do and have done in between or instead of that is just me getting by.

That, my friend, is not how a person is supposed to live.

I haven’t completely let go of everything during these last lost years that I have been trying to navigate. Cooking has NEVER left my fundamental foundations of living. I can not NOT cook.

I have often heard (I think even Oprah Winfrey said this) - that you should look at what you absolutely can not NOT do and you have found the answer to what it is that you are SUPPOSED to do. Well, cook and write are the two constants in my life, and travel and art need to be. Not writing has left a hole in me. Not traveling has left a gap of joy - and now with this Covid bullshit, I don’t know exactly when THAT will re-enter. I have been trying to create art, but my daily life is leaving me so exhausted that all of my energy is gone by the time I sit down at my table or easel.

But cooking… even when so exhausted I could happily get into the bed and pull the covers over my head… well, cooking is still that one zen thing that I can begin and still feel a calm and easy rhythm in. It can be cathartic. It can be creative, fulfilling, and make me feel like I have accomplished something truly great on even the least great of days.

Since it is the anniversary of Tony’s death, I thought I would finally write out what I did for Tony Bourdain Day last year. I’m trying my damndest not to eat wheat (for systemic inflammation reasons) and made a deal with myself - that if I want to eat pasta, then I will have to actually make it. This fennel pollen tagliatelle is worth making and a lot easier than it might seem

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FENNEL POLLEN TAGLIATELLE

• Your choice of flour (AP, Semolina, a combo) - I didn’t have any semolina on hand, so this is plain old AP flour. I can’t even begin to tell you an amount. I made a pile (3 cups maybe) in the center of my cutting board.

• 3 whole eggs, and 3 egg yolks, so I guess you could say the ratio is 1 cup flour and 1 whole egg and 1 egg yolk per - though with using semolina, your dough might be drier, so you might have to add an egg yolk to get a dough with the consistency that holds together well. You want supple, un-sticky dough.

• At least a good tablespoon of olive oil

• Hearty pinch of salt

• Hearty tablespoon of fennel pollen (you might not be able to get it in your store, so this might be an online purchase, but it will be worth it)

Put ingredients into a well in the center of your flour and mix gently until it comes together.

Form a cohesive ball. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least an hour. More is better - you want the flour to get nice and hydrated by your eggs.

Divide dough and begin rolling out on a pasta machine - yep, mine was a hand crank. Just be sure and laminate your dough as you cycle through the levels on your pasta machine.

When dough is supple and thin, dust lightly with flour, roll and cut to your desired width - I like tagliatelle for this one the most.

Nest loosely with a dusting of flour to keep from sticking if you are cooking soon, or drape over dowels (or coat hangers) to dry. I like to keep the dried pasta in the freezer - GENTLY on top of everything else.

To serve - cook VERY briefly in gently boiling water and then nap with sauce.

I used a pan sauce of fresh cherry tomatoes, butter, garlic and shrimp with freshly torn basil.

Simple food is often the best food. Anything made with care, attention, and love is something that is worthy of being shared with others. To me, food made this way is one of the most simplistic and sublime ways of showing love.

Cook for the ones you love. Cook with that same care for yourself - especially for yourself.

You should, after all, show yourself just as much love as you would for others.

You deserve it.

Cheers,

Adriann

ps - I will try to get back to who I am :)